A soldier's army life - A Farewell Letter:

A Farewell Letter

Here is an article written from the heart of a soldier. I wish that each of our citizens and more so men in positions of power - whether politicians, bureaucrats , media mughals and other opinion leaders ( hell of a phrase ! ) - get to read this. And, more importantly, act proactively for the sake

My Army Life 1977-2006

I Love the Indian Army – but I must leave Now!
I stumbled into the Indian Army in the late seventies. The School which admitted us mid-session, when we returned from Singapore, where my father had a brief teaching stint at the Singapore University, was The Army Public School, Dhaula Kuan. With teenage sons of Army officers as friends, it was natural to apply to join the National Defence Academy. A friend filled my form and even paid the application fee. I wasn’t serious at all of pursuing a career in the military – much like Hrithik Roshan in Lakshya. I saw a movie with my friends, after each of the four NDA entrance papers, and argued with my father when he questioned me on my lack of commitment to the exam.
Surprisingly, I qualified on the Service Selection Board standing 19th in the Army all India merit list. I then chose to join the National Defence Academy, as a career was assured at such an early age.
Astonishingly, within a few days of joining the NDA, at pristine Khadakwasala, I began my life long affection and admiration for the Indian Army. The NDA was awesome and I took to it as if the place was always meant for me. It was, and probably still is, a remarkable institution where everything works like clockwork, and boys transform into enthusiastic, self confident young men with fire in their belly and an idealistic vision to contribute meaningfully to the security challenges that India would face in the future.
Three years later at the Indian Military Academy in Dehra Dun, I learnt that toughness and fitness was not just about well developed physical abilities, but also as much about mental strength, and that the IMA motto of ‘Service before Self’ was not some Gandhian mumbo-jumbo, but the very edifice of life in uniform as an officer.

The many years in my Infantry battalion were even more memorable. Not a day was spent as “work”. Every day was enjoyable with a huge family of 800 men; the love, respect and camaraderie was astonishing especially in this day and age. A life of great honesty of purpose; lived simply and with great pride, respect and honour.
I had a tour of duty in Kashmir in every rank I have held. As a Lieutenant in Baramulla before the militancy, as a Captain in the Siachen Glacier at 20,000 feet, as a Major and company commander in Kupwara fighting terrorists, and as Lt Col as second-in-command of my unit in Badgam in a counter insurgency deployment on the outskirts of the Srinagar airport. Finally as a Colonel and Battalion commander, I had three different innings in the Kashmir Valley, first as part of the offensive plans during OP PARAKRAM in 2001, then fighting militants in Anantnag during the 2002 Amarnath Yatra and during the state elections, and finally on the Line of Control in high altitude in the majestic Gurez Valley.

Interspersed between these challenging times was an opportunity to serve with the United Nations in Iraq-Kuwait as a Military Observer where I saw closely officers from 34 different nations from around the globe and learnt from them about their militaries and the relationship between the State and the soldier in other countries.
I also had instructional assignments at the Indian Military Academy, Dehra Dun and at the Infantry School teaching young infantry officers. I then had an enriching year at the Army War College at Mhow during the Higher Command course in 2004-5, learning the art of higher command in the military and traveling to every corner of the country, expanding knowledge, visiting not just our various military headquarters, but also the citadels of economic power of our nation.
After the one year sabbatical at Mhow, I moved, in Apr 2005 to a dream job, to the seat of power of the Army in Delhi – the Army Headquarters with an office in South Block and an appointment in the personnel Branch of the Army dealing with postings and promotions of officers of our Army.
After three years at Delhi, a Brigadiers rank was round the corner in mid 2008. The sixth Pay commission too was promising salaries to meet with the aspirations of soldiers and government officials who had been made to feel like poor cousins to their corporate friends in the galloping India of the 21st century.
Inspite of such a bright future, I felt I must I leave the Indian Army.
The three years in the nation’s capital left me with a strange emptiness which refused to go away. All the years, I felt that the many years I spent away from my immediate family, in remote corners of India, were for a cause which was noble and worthwhile. I always felt huge pride for my soldiers and brother officers. I felt there is a grateful nation behind all of us stationed so far away, battling the vagaries of weather and the uncertainty of life.
I remember in SIACHEN, in 1988, just before we started our deployment on the main Glacier, the shy 17 year old soldier, no more than a kid, who met me, then the Adjutant, and requested me to be posted to the transport platoon after this tenure, as he was very fond of motor vehicles. Four days later, he was violently taken ill at KUMAR our Headquarters at 16000 feet. We tended to him the whole night, as the helicopter could come to rescue him away only in the morning. Sadly, the High Altitude Pulmonary Odema which afflicted him was faster. He was dead before the copter arrived at the crack of dawn. It was a sad loss so soon after our induction on to the Glacier, but we took it on our chin as the accepted dangers of a soldier’s life. We shed not a tear, and proceeded to do our duty for the next six months, battling the odds and the enemy, in incredibly difficult conditions.

I recall when a soldier, who had slipped and fallen towards the enemy side was rescued at Bana top, at 20,000 feet by a brave and courageous officer who went across single handedly at grave risk to his life, to get him back. The soldier spent four hours exposed to temperatures of below minus 40 degrees C, (later both his arms were amputated). When I met him in the hospital a month later he said he knew that his company commander would come to rescue him. It taught me a lesson in trust, faith, camaraderie and leadership which I shall never forget for the rest of my life.
I also recall the young soldier who bravely jumped into a building, unrelentingly chasing three dreaded terrorists who had hidden there. We were on the outskirts of Srinagar airfield and fighting a fierce gun battle through the cold winter night in Dec 2000. He killed two of them but in the process was hit by a bullet through the head. He died in my arms. What was even more poignant was the gesture by his father when we honoured him on our battalions Raising day, the following year. In an age where money means everything, the old man broken by his young son’s loss, refused the money we as a unit of 800 had collected as a gesture of our sympathy and concern. He said he had no need for the money and the unit could put it to better use by honouring his brave son in any appropriate way.
What I observed over these three years at Delhi, unfortunately have been a sad revelation of the nature of the relationship between the Indian soldier, the State and the people of India. Like RK Laxmans common man, I have observed silently the ignorance and apathy of the establishment towards all issues military.
As our expectations from our cricket team, we expect the very best from our military in critical moments of our history, like the 71 War or the Kargil conflict.
If we were to build our home, we shall obviously get the best builders and architects we can afford, if our mother was taken ill, we would look for the very best hospital and doctor that we can afford. The critical question is; do we do enough as a nation to ensure that we have the best military India can afford?
Are we as a nation doing enough to ensure that we have the best men and systems in place to guard our sovereignty and security interests? Do we do enough to recruit and retain the brightest men and do we have the structures in place to meet the security challenges within and across our borders in the coming years?
For a start, the inability to put in place an integrated Chief of Defence Staff is the foremost of our weaknesses and is symptomatic of the apathy and ignorance of military matters in modern India. It is often dismissed as a peripheral issue, one that can wait till the services themselves resolve it. The hard truth is that without true integration of the Army, the Air Force and the Navy, a modern military will be grossly inept and incapable of prosecuting a modern day war. To use the cricketing analogy a bit further, the Kargil war was T 20 cricket and can hide a few fatal flaws, but a full scale war will be like a Test match, only synergy; balance, close integration and team spirit will ensure success.
You cannot blame the Defence Secretary or the civilian staff in the Ministry of Defence for the lack of awareness of these issues – very often the Defence Secretary would not have a days experience in the ministry till he joins as the head of the Ministry of Defence. He may have arrived from the commerce, railways or whichever ministry, the senior most bureaucrat is available at that time. The Defence Minister too often has no experience on defence matters till he becomes the Defence Minister. It is like appointing a CEO in a telecom company who had spent all his life in the cement industry!

We cannot quite expect them to understand the vital need for integration of the Services. As a comparison to our system, the United States has a long tradition of appointing secretaries of Defence and Presidents who have spent years soldiering or they choose from retired Generals with vision and an impeccable record of service for these assignments. In fact, even in India it would be inconceivable for the Foreign Secretary to be appointed from amongst the bureaucrats in say the coal ministry, so this assumption that the defence ministry can be managed by amateurs is an insult and an affront to the security needs of India.
To cite another example, we have no clearly enunciated and documented national counter-terrorism policy. In a nation where the threat of terrorism looms larger with every passing day, it is a matter of shame that we haven’t formulated one yet. With the best minds in the Army, with years of experience in counter terrorism retiring every year, it is a pity we have failed to capitalize on their experience and set out a clearly laid out document. The alarming growth of the Maoists in the Red Corridor, will test the ability of the Indian state to respond to this challenge in the coming years. Policing being a State subject and internal threats being the concerns of the Home Ministry, there is an urgent need to look at counter terrorism holistically outside the confines of individual perceptions of States and various ministries. We must radically alter the narrow confines of each ministry when we define the policy for internal threats. There is apparently a visible lack of statesmanship and professionalism on any macro issue concerning national security.
An oblique pointer to India’s concerns on national security and how embedded the military leader is in the psyche of the educated Indian is the representation at various Leadership summits and Conclaves. The ‘who is who’ of India and other countries are invariable present. There will be national political figures, corporate leaders, media barons, and of course movie moughals. So while we have the likes of Aiswarya Rai and Sharukh Khan telling us their take on leadership – the practicing military leader, whether a senior General or the young Major who is an Ashok Chakra winner – shining examples of leadership in its many hues – are conspicuous by their absence.
From our fiercely independent and vibrant media, one would have expected greater maturity in their coverage of security affairs. It is revealing that a study in the USA suggests that the gradual erosion of coverage of international issues by their media networks was possibly a reason for their flawed international security interventions as the American public was not capable or knowledgeable enough to question their leadership. The Indian media must ask itself – do they exhibit enough concern on the larger dimensions of national security and do they have enough knowledge of military affairs to fulfill their role as the watchdogs of the nation? Will the increasing trivialization and localization of news affect our security?
There are many such concerns that we must address as a military, as a society and as a nation. There are individual and collective responsibilities that we must fulfill. Will India and Indians meet the challenge of the future? Time, and the collective will of the nation, will tell.

A soldier's army life - A Farewell Letter!

 wishes ,
Your own
Ratri ray sen

Head- Corporate communications and training 

Blogger, Activist. 

Women empowerment in India!

Women Empowerment in India!

The subject of empowerment of women has becoming a burning issue all over the world including India since last few decades. Many agencies of United Nations in their reports have emphasized that gender issue is to be given utmost priority. It is held that women now cannot be asked to wait for any more for equality.

Inequalities between men and women and discrimination against women have also been age-old issues all over the world. Thus, women’s quest for equality with man is a universal phenomenon. What exists for men is demanded by women?

They have demanded equality with men in matters of education, employment, inheritance, marriage, politics and recently in the field of religion also to serve as cleric (in Hinduism and Islam). Women want to have for themselves the same strategies of change which menfolk have had over the centuries such as equal pay for equal work. Their quest for equality has given birth to the formation of many women’s associations and launching of movements.

The position and status of women all over the world has risen incredibly in the 20th century. We find that it has been very low in 18th and 19th centuries in India and elsewhere when they were treated like ‘objects’ that can be bought and sold. For a long time women in India remained within the four walls of their household. Their dependence on menfolk was total.

A long struggle going back over a century has brought women the property rights, voting rights, an equality in civil rights before the law in matters of marriage and employment (in India women had not to struggle for voting rights as we find in other countries).

In addition to the above rights, in India, the customs of purdha (veil system), female infanticide, child marriage, sati system (self-immolation by the women with their husbands), dowry system and the state of permanent widowhood were either totally removed or checked to an appreciable extent after independence through legislative measures.

Two Acts have also been enacted to emancipate women in India. These are: Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 and the Compulsory Registration of Marriage Act, 2006. The Domestic Violence Act recognizes that abuse be physical as well as mental.

Anything that makes a woman feel inferior and takes away her self-respect is abuse. Compulsory Registration of Marriage Act can be beneficial in preventing the abuse of insti­tution of marriage and hindering social justice especially in relation to women.

It would help the innumerable women in the country who get abandoned by their husbands and have no means of proving their marital status. It would also help check child marriages, bigamy and polygamy, enable women to seek maintenance and custody of their children and widows can claim inheritance rights. The Act is applicable on all women irrespective of caste, creed or religion. It would truly empower Indian women to exercise their rights.

To what extent legislative measures have been able to raise the status of women in India? Are women now feel empowered in the sense that they are being equally treated by men in all spheres of life and are able to express one’s true feminine urges and energies? These are the important questions to be investigated with regard to women’s empowerment in India.

We all know that girls are now doing better at school than boys. The annual results of Secondary and Higher Secondary Board examinations reveal this fact. More women are getting degrees than men, and are filling most new jobs in every field.

There was a time when women’s education was not a priority even among the elite. Since the last quarter of the 20th century and more so after the opening up of die economy, post-1991, a growing number of women have been entering into the economic field, seeking paid work (remunerative jobs) outside the family.

Women are playing bigger and bigger role in economic field: as workers, consumers, entrepreneurs, managers and investors. According to a report of The Economist, ‘Women and the World Economy’, in 1950, only one-third of American women of working age had a paid job.

Today, two-thirds do, and women make up almost half of American’s workforce. In fact, almost everywhere, including India, more women are employed, though their share is still very low. Manufacturing work, traditionally a male preserve, has declined, while jobs in services have expanded, reducing the demand for manual labour and putting the sexes on equal footing.

We can now see women in almost every field: architecture, lawyers, financial services, engineering, medical and IT jobs. They have also entered service occupations such as a nurse, a beautician, a sales worker, a waitress, etc.

They are increasingly and gradually seen marching into domains which were previously reserved for males (police, driver’s army, pilots, chartered accoun­tants, commandos). In spite of their increasing number in every field, women still remain perhaps the world’s most underutilized resources. Many are still excluded from paid work and many do not make best use of their skills.

The rapid pace of economic development has increased the demand for educated female labour force almost in all fields. Women are earning as much as their husbands do, their employment nonetheless adds substantially to family and gives family an economic advantage over the family with only one breadwinner.

This new phenomenon has also given economic power in the hands of women for which they were earlier totally dependent on males. Economically independent women feel more confident about their personal lives.

Hence, they are taking more personal decisions, for instance, about their further education, marriage, etc. More and more women want freedom of work and control their own reproduction, freedom of mobility and freedom to define one’s own style of life. It is contended that freedom leads to greater openness, generosity and tolerance.

"If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible"

Best regards,
Own own
Ratri ray sen

ACID attack in India - Where does the the nation stand today?

Acid Attack In India - where does the nation stand today?

October 22 2016

Ratri ray sen/ Corporate Professional , Blogger, Activist

Acid attack is not something unheard of in India. It has shocked the conscience of our nation again and again - with mutilated faces, unbeaten survivors coming to the frontlines to share their horrific stories, and families driven to bankruptcy supporting recovery costs. The Indian Penal Code was modified in 2013 for the first time to add regulations tailored to acid attacks. But have we done enough? Do enough of us care? Why should we care? Why should we care anymore than we do for general fight for women’s rights and safety in India about acid attacks?

Because acid attack is possibly the worst infliction on another human - leading to complete debilitation, loss of income and opportunity, and even social sequestration- and it can happen to anyone, at any time. The means to this evil remain quite accessible to most and the causes provoking such malice can be unimaginably trivial.

Accepting a drink from a local shopkeeper? Or rebuking harassment on the streets? Just being in home sitting on a couch? These are all known causes of attacks on acid attack survivors. The last story - is that of Piyali Dutta - who got caught in a crossfire and now is an acid survivor for life. Sonali Mukherjee’s story - attacked while sleeping in her own house for standing up to harassment - is one that should keep all of us awake as it could have been, or still can be, anyone. 85% of victims are women, so acid attack can overwhelmingly be classified as gender violence. For the 15% male victims, the primary cause of attack is property dispute.

What factors allow such attacks? Un-counseled anger and frustration is behind the crimes as much as pre-disposition to sociopathic traits, and violence and societal chauvinism plays a significant role (85% of the victims are women). But the real culprit to blame is the ease to get away with it. Anger over rejection (41% of attacks in India from 2010 - 2013 was from spurned lovers) causes the desire to lash out and inherent disregard for women in specific and human suffering in general seeds the thought, but the lax laws - both to limit availability and to counter the crime - is what lets the perpetrators (who happen to list from white collar officials to migrant workers) convert their thoughts in to action.

Before insertion of Sections 326A-326B of Indian Penal Code (as recent as 2013), acid attack could only be prosecuted as violence against women. This tremendously hindered data availability and made arrest and punishment subjective and lenient. The Indian Penal Code amendment on the 2nd of April 2013 included provisions for prosecution of perpetrators, treatment and rehabilitation of the victims, right to self-defense against acid attack and control of acid sales. The laws however, for sure ‘too late’, might also be ‘too little’ in their current state.

Let’s take a look at the acid sales restrictions, prosecution and rehabilitation realities post 2013 to understand why.

When consulted, Acid Survivors Foundation India (ASFI; partner of Acid Survivors Trust International (ASTI)), broke down the acids taking primarily West Bengal, India and Bangladesh as examples. Availability of acids (12% or higher concentration, or in forms which can be concentrated to higher strength) depends on usage. The organized sector - fertilizer and other heavy industries - are mostly under regimented control system, so leakage or misappropriation, although feasible, are not too common.

The unorganized sector on the other hand, in lieu of the large migrant and rural population in these sections, have a myriad of acids abundant depending on the industry. Gem and jewelry business - a prime consumer of aqua regia - thrives on mostly migrant workers who therefore have access. Hard to track and censor, they therefore need to be targeted through awareness campaigns (one of the most successful ways to curb attacks - as demonstrated in Bangladesh - has been by limiting availability through massive campaigns). Assailants can also concentrate lower strength acids still available unrestricted.

The statistics substantiate the importance of source of availability in tackling this problem. Murshidabad - the cotton hub of Bengal - have much higher number of attacks given the availability of acid used for fading work which is often sub-contracted to a hard to trace and migrant worker base.

Paints and household cleaners remain another easy to avail source and even though regulation has now been passed in India, the police force is understaffed to go after the numerous shops selling acids as household cleaners or cleaners with acid above permissible levels.

In general, the logistics of confiscating and testing illegal chemicals and prosecuting offenders remain extremely cumbersome for most South East Asian countries. Additionally, passed regulations in which the Supreme Court assigns the Sub division officer (SDO) responsible for overseeing control) doesn’t detail out ownership and implementation roles specifically to make sure funds and resources are dedicated to this effort.

In sum, loopholes remain owing to falling a step short in the laws in defining ownership and allocating resources for making sure the provision of selling acid only with records to control access gets implemented.

The prosecution statistics published in the situational analysis of acid violence in eastern India report published by ASFI tell a similar story. Of the attacks registered from 2010-2014 (most prior to 2013 went into grievous assault bucket) only 60% resulted in filing of charge sheets - 81% of the perpetrators were able to obtain bail, 49% are absconding.

Even securing rehabilitation and government compensation as provisioned by law now (mere 3 lakh in comparison to average 50 lakh needed for 50-60 surgeries depending on the severity of the attack) remain painstakingly slow process (only 3 out of the 38 cases ASFI headquarters in Kolkata has filed for has received compensation so far).

Drawing comparison to acid control legislation successfully implemented in Bangladesh (now constantly mentioned in international forums as exemplary in this regard), the factors hindering the same from happening in India need to be considered and countered. The size of the country, region to region differences, and lack of coordination between center and state governments come up as the prime factors. So specific roles and responsibilities and resource allocation is vital.

Awareness campaigns appealing to public to not sell, distribute, or use - especially with listed consequences of high profile convictions and warning women to be aware of the signs and to take threats seriously (in almost all of the cases being handled by ASFI Kolkata there had been pre-warnings and even something as simple as knowing to scream when being approached is known to be a deterrent) need to have central govt. allocated funding. Same is needed for widely publishing immediate first aid steps (acid burns need to be treated fast and right to minimize damage). Elimination of bureaucracy is needed for victim rehabilitation (most are unable to continue previously held jobs, many are shunned and ostracized by their families).

Definition of roles in implementing control, tougher punishment (Bangladesh has up to capital punishment for acid violence) and fast track courts dedicated for trying these cases comes next. Most victims lose the motivation to pursue the fight after the initial months pass as the irreversibility of their condition become apparent to them. Hopelessness and depression sinks in replacing anger and motivation for justice, lowering further the rate of prosecution and conviction of assailants.

On the opposite end of the globe - Columbia responded swiftly in shock and horror after attack on Natalia Ponce De Leon in 2014. Within 2 years of the attack Columbia passed a law named after her, making penalty for acid attacks comparable to that for homicide.

Why does our conscience as a nation need to be shocked again and again with multiple faces over so many years leaving us vulnerable in the meantime to such a cruel and destructive crime? The life the survivors have to lead have made us shudder at thought - we need to continue shuddering until every woman (and man) in India is safe against acid violence. Today? We are far from that place.

Data credit: ASFI Kolkata (http://www.asfi.in/)

Regards,
Your own
Ratri ray sen

Child Sexual Abuse Can NEVER Be Your Fault.

Why Child Sexual Abuse Can NEVER Be Your Fault.

As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we often grow up blaming ourselves for the abuse that we suffered at the hands of others.

I know I never even questioned that it wasn’t my fault. I was bought up to believe that the abuse happened because of something I did or didn’t do – and to me it was as factual as the earth being round. As children, we are bought up to know that “adults know best” – and so when someone tells you (or implies to you) often enough that it’s your fault, eventually you believe it. And when you think something for long enough, you don’t even think to question the validity of the statement you’re making. I was to blame…..end of story.

Although it’s not the end of the story. Because once you get to the point of being able to question the validity of all the assumptions you have made about this self-blame all your life, you start to realise that actuallythere is no truth in it. You can come up with as many reasons as you like as to why you’re to blame, but not one of them will stand up when exposed to closer scrutiny – because a child can never ever be to blame.

For me, as I child, I believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about was simply because that’s what I deserved. I deserved it because of who I was as a person. I was bad, worthless, pointless, nasty, ugly, stupid etc – and any other negative adjective you could think to throw in there. I’m sure many of you can identify with this. It wasn’t so much what I did that made me “bad” – but more just something that I was….something that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I tried to be. Nothing I did to be “better” made anything better or made people treat me better – and so, understandably, I concluded that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I was. If you have felt this, please know that it was an affect of the abuse you experienced, not a statement of truth.

Despite the self-blame that many children adopt in light of being abused, it’s important to realize that the abuse was actually never about them at all, but about the desires of the abuser(s).

As I grew into an adult, I held on to the belief that the abuse was my fault. But I felt an increasing need to rationalize why it was my fault. It wasn’t enough to just say “It was my fault because I am a horrible person”. I wanted concrete facts to back up exactly why it was my fault, which may sound strange. Why would I want to find concrete reasons to prove that the abuse was my fault? Yet despite the perceived illogicality of this, I sought reason after reason after reason to prove that it all happened because of me.

There are numerous theories to explain why we hang on so strongly to the concept of self-blame. One such theory explains that if we can attribute our ill-treatment to something we did, then we can control whether this ill-treatment happens again in the future by learning to moderate our own behavior. It gives us a sense of control over being hurt again. By letting go of the fact that the abuse happened through no fault of our own, it means that we also have to let go of that sense of control – which is very hard to do because, ultimately, we want to be able to protect ourselves. However, learning and accepting that we do not have control over everything in our lives and everything that happens to us is a necessary part of healing. What we can take away from this however, is that we can take control of the healing process….and that can be a very empowering experience.

As survivors heal, there can be a profound sense of sadness in letting go of self-blame. Self-blame enables us to protect our abusers because if we make the abuse about us rather than about them, we can maintain the attachments with these people who often play a very big role in our lives. Learning to let go of these attachments, even when associated with much pain, can be very sad – but learning to stand on our own two feet is also a necessary facet of healing.

As I’ve said, for me, as I entered the healing process, I tried to seek many ways in which I could blame myself….often starting the statement with “It’s my fault because……”. So many times I’ve gone over the same conscious process of extracting reasons why it was all to do with me. And I know I’m not alone in that….and you’re not alone in that either. Below are some of the ways in which those statements that go round and round in our heads can be refuted.

It was my fault because if I’d been a better son / daughter, perhaps my mum / dad would have loved me more and not hurt me.

A parent(s) should love and care for you regardless of how you behave or what you do. Their love for you should be unconditional. No child behaves perfectly. Children make mistakes. They push boundaries. They can be “naughty”. They don’t always do as they’re told. All children can be a challenge and a hand full at times, but it is a parent’s job to guide, love and protect their children despite all of this.

A parent has a responsibility to teach a child right from wrong – and sometimes may need to punish their child. But punishment of a child involves things like telling a child off, or grounding, or stopping pocket money. It should not ever include acts that are physically or sexually abusive. No matter what you did wrong, or what you think you did wrong, you did not deserve to be abused.

Although it’s not the end of the story. Because once you get to the point of being able to question the validity of all the assumptions you have made about this self-blame all your life, you start to realise that actuallythere is no truth in it. You can come up with as many reasons as you like as to why you’re to blame, but not one of them will stand up when exposed to closer scrutiny – because a child can never ever be to blame.

For me, as I child, I believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about was simply because that’s what I deserved. I deserved it because of who I was as a person. I was bad, worthless, pointless, nasty, ugly, stupid etc – and any other negative adjective you could think to throw in there. I’m sure many of you can identify with this. It wasn’t so much what I did that made me “bad” – but more just something that I was….something that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I tried to be. Nothing I did to be “better” made anything better or made people treat me better – and so, understandably, I concluded that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I was. If you have felt this, please know that it was an affect of the abuse you experienced, not a statement of truth.

Despite the self-blame that many children adopt in light of being abused, it’s important to realize that the abuse was actually never about them at all, but about the desires of the abuser(s).

As I grew into an adult, I held on to the belief that the abuse was my fault. But I felt an increasing need to rationalize why it was my fault. It wasn’t enough to just say “It was my fault because I am a horrible person”. I wanted concrete facts to back up exactly why it was my fault, which may sound strange. Why would I want to find concrete reasons to prove that the abuse was my fault? Yet despite the perceived illogicality of this, I sought reason after reason after reason to prove that it all happened because of me.

There are numerous theories to explain why we hang on so strongly to the concept of self-blame. One such theory explains that if we can attribute our ill-treatment to something we did, then we can control whether this ill-treatment happens again in the future by learning to moderate our own behavior. It gives us a sense of control over being hurt again. By letting go of the fact that the abuse happened through no fault of our own, it means that we also have to let go of that sense of control – which is very hard to do because, ultimately, we want to be able to protect ourselves. However, learning and accepting that we do not have control over everything in our lives and everything that happens to us is a necessary part of healing. What we can take away from this however, is that we can take control of the healing process….and that can be a very empowering experience.

As survivors heal, there can be a profound sense of sadness in letting go of self-blame. Self-blame enables us to protect our abusers because if we make the abuse about us rather than about them, we can maintain the attachments with these people who often play a very big role in our lives. Learning to let go of these attachments, even when associated with much pain, can be very sad – but learning to stand on our own two feet is also a necessary facet of healing.

As I’ve said, for me, as I entered the healing process, I tried to seek many ways in which I could blame myself….often starting the statement with “It’s my fault because……”. So many times I’ve gone over the same conscious process of extracting reasons why it was all to do with me. And I know I’m not alone in that….and you’re not alone in that either. Below are some of the ways in which those statements that go round and round in our heads can be refuted.

It was my fault because if I’d been a better son / daughter, perhaps my mum / dad would have loved me more and not hurt me.

A parent(s) should love and care for you regardless of how you behave or what you do. Their love for you should be unconditional. No child behaves perfectly. Children make mistakes. They push boundaries. They can be “naughty”. They don’t always do as they’re told. All children can be a challenge and a hand full at times, but it is a parent’s job to guide, love and protect their children despite all of this.

A parent has a responsibility to teach a child right from wrong – and sometimes may need to punish their child. But punishment of a child involves things like telling a child off, or grounding, or stopping pocket money. It should not ever include acts that are physically or sexually abusive. No matter what you did wrong, or what you think you did wrong, you did not deserve to be abused.

Abuse from a parent does not happen because of some failure or inadequacy on the child’s part. It happens because of some failing within the parent.

All children who do not tell about their abuse have very good reasons for keeping silent. For example:
Your abuser may have threatened you.
You may have been scared that no one would believe you.
You didn’t know how to tell or what words to use.
You were frightened that you may be punished.
You were very confused about what was happening.
You didn’t know what was happening was abuse.
……and many many more reasons.

Looking back as an adult at the reasons you had for not telling, you may chastise yourself or discounted these reasons as not good enough. Many times, adult survivors of child sexual abuse may say to themselves, “I was so stupid to believe that threat”. But try to understand that the way you see things now is going to be completely different to how you saw things as a frightened and traumatized child. The fears you had about telling would have been very very real back then, and you shouldn’t dismiss what a powerful silencer fear and uncertainty can be.

It’s also important to realize that many children who feel unable to tell someone what is happening to them, may try to let people know what’s happening in other ways. For example, they may say that they don’t want to go to x’s house, or they may start acting out, or self-harming. If you’ve done anything like this, you actually did try to tell.

For more on this, see Understanding Why You Didn’t Tell.

It’s my fault because I let the abuse go on for so long.

You didn’t “let” the abuse carry on. In all likelihood you felt (or were) pretty overwhelmed and powerless to stop the abuse. Your abuser would have had all the power in this situation.

ONE episode of child sexual abuse is too much. Unfortunately, for most child sexual abuse survivors, the abuse reoccurs over a period of time.

It’s my fault because I liked it happening because it felt nice and exciting.

Regardless of how it felt to you, what happened was still abuse.

When children are touched sexually, very often this stimulation will feel nice….maybe even exciting….and can lead to sexual arousal and orgasm. Very often, children do not understand what these feelings are, and the mixed feelings and sensations can be very confusing and difficult to understand. However, the fact that you had these responses does not make what was done to you okay. Being aroused is a physical response that you have no control over. Conditioned responses are automatic and they happen whether you want them to or not.

For more info on this see sexual arousal and sexual assault.

It’s my fault because I wanted that special time.

Sometimes, abusers can make it so that the children they are abusing feel “special” or that they are being devoted “special time” which they should be grateful for. Some adult survivors of child sexual abuse feel they are to blame because they remember they welcomed this feeling of being special, and of one person giving them the warmth, attention and physical contact that they so badly needed. It may have been that this was the only time that you felt wanted, needed or special. Abusers can be very good at making children feel like the abuse happens because they love you so much.

Regardless of whether you felt special or welcomed the warmth and contact that being with the abuser gave you, the abuse was still 100% wrong. All children need to feel loved and special, but this love should be delivered in an appropriate and non-abusive way. You abuser abused his knowledge of your emotional needs and wants, and used that to get what he wanted.

It’s my fault because my abuser said it was my fault.

Abusers are committing a very serious crime when they abuse a child. Most abusers are very fearful of what will happen to them if the fact that they are abusers is made public. They may fear what their families and friends will say to them; they may fear prison; they may fear losing their jobs; – they may fear a whole heap of things. And as such, they are going to try to ensure that the child doesn’t say anything to anyone. ONE way of doing this is to tell the child that it’s their fault that the abuse is happening. Telling the child it is their fault, is a way for the abuser to control the situation by making the child afraid that they will be blamed and get into trouble if they report it to anybody.

It’s my fault because I didn’t fight hard enough.

Children do not have the physical strength or the mental resources of adults, and in this respect they would usually be outmatched by their abuser.

Children who are abused are being confronted with a situation that they don’t have the adult capacity to understand – and it can be impossible to get yourself out of the situation you’re in. Many abusers are dangerous and could pose a real physical threat to a child’s survival. Often there will be other threats hanging over the child’s head if they don’t do as they are told – and so they may feel totally unable to fight on any level.

Children do what they can to survive an attack and submission is not desire, it is survival.

It’s my fault because I didn’t say NO!

Many child survivors feel that they are partly to blame for the abuse because they didn’t say “NO” when it happened. There are so many reasons why you might not have said no:

You were confused about what was happening.
You didn’t know you were allowed to say no.
You didn’t want to say no.
You were too frightened to say no.

Children cannot consent to a sexual relationship because they are below the age of consent. It is not the responsibility of a child to say “no” to sex.

It’s my fault because I thought I wanted it or said I wanted it.

All children, especially as they reach their teenage years, start thinking about their sexuality and become interested in sexual exploration. This is perfectly normal, and even necessary for healthy sexual and social development. Understandably, children and teens who are reaching this age may become attracted to people who are significantly older than them, and may even desire or seek to engage in intimate interactions with them.

However, there are some abusers that take advantage of children and teenagers who are at this stage in their life. A responsible adult understands that children who are under the age of legal consent are not mentally, psychologically or physically ready for a sexual relationship, and therefore they should not engage with a teen in this way. Therefore, even if you initiated, wanted or “consented” to sexual contact with an older person (or a person in a position of authority) it was still abuse and it was not your fault.

It must be my fault because I was abused by different people who were unconnected to each other.

Unfortunately, some children are abused by more than one person in different episodes of abuse. If you have been the victim of multiple abuse episodes you may feel that you must be to blame because you keep getting chosen to be abused – and in fact some survivors talk about feeling they have a label on their head saying “hurt me”.

Child abusers may target children who are more vulnerable – and undoubtedly children who are survivors are likely to be more vulnerable then non-survivors. For example, child survivors may find it difficult to distinguish between good touch and bad touch because of their

It’s my fault that I didn’t protect my brothers and sisters.
Some children feel guilty that they weren’t able to protect their brothers / sisters (or other loved ones) from the abuse – and therefore believe they are partly to blame for this abuse. It is important to try to realize that you cannot be held responsible for anything your abuser did to you or to anyone else. Your abuser is the one in control, and your abuser is the only one that can take responsibility for what they’ve done.

Self-blame is something which is really important to try to overcome because it can serve as an obstacle to your healing because it results in avoidance of reality. The reality is that your abuse was the fault of the person(s) who abused you, and the responsibility lies with them entirely.

Regards,
Ratri ray sen
Blogger by heart.
Social activist
Head -Corporate communications and business Training
Goenka group of Companies, Asia (Business Professional)